Alexander Pope said, “Hope springs eternal”. It is actually a trait of our human psyche, so this week, I want to talk about hope and how to cultivate it.

Hope can be both positive and negative. On the positive side, hope gives people a positive outlook on the future. On the negative side, it allows some to put the call to action on other people rather than themselves.

Think “I hope someone figures out this global warming thing” while they themselves continue to drive a gas-guzzling vehicle and not recycle.

But let’s stick to the positive outlook side of things.

In today’s world, it’s easy to lose hope and focus on all the bad stuff going on. Finding fault with everyone, everything, and even yourself. The suggestions below are a way to fight that negativity bias we all came into the world with (thank you, evolution…).

Hope: Consciously Cultivating It

According to one study, conducting a five-minute-long thought exercise each day can significantly increase optimism after only one day. Imagine the benefits if you do this regularly!

During that thought exercise, try one of these:

• Positively visualize your future self – What is she doing on a day like today? What’s different about her? Why is she smiling so much?
• Reflect on one positive moment each day – Even in the worst days, there is a glimmer somewhere that can be reflected upon. On a dreary day, you don’t have to water your pots. On a hot and humid day, sit inside in the AC while admiring the sunshine outside.
• Think about a personal strength of yours – This can be tough since we LOVE to figure out our flaws! But you bring something to the table, each and every day. What is that today?
• Celebrate a goal achieved, even if it’s an easy one – Stack the deck if you have to. Yes, I drink a mug of tea every morning. But YAY! I just finished my mug of tea and it was fantastic!
• Reframe a stressful situation – I like to do this on the drive home when I’ve had a rough day at work. Think things like “Yes, my boss got on my case, but he doesn’t do that usually. He must have a lot going on right now, to act so out of character.”
• Find beauty in the little things – This is my favorite one, and my journal reflects that. Last night my husband and I went for a walk. It was a breezy 50 degrees, but it was dusk and the sky was cloudless and full of pinks, purples, and oranges. Gorgeous. So I ignored my cold legs and concentrated on that sky.

A lot of times, I write this in my Daily Happiness Journal, chronicled in this post from January. It’s similar to Gratitude Journaling, but I find it much easier to keep up with.

Let’s make our lives easier by thinking and focusing on a happy, hopeful thought for just 5 minutes each day. Although I’m not an advocate of multi-tasking, this one can be done in conjunction with other tasks, like driving or showering. Or even waiting for the mug of tea to brew!

Leaving you with this from the lighter side: You can live to be 100 if you give up all the things that make you want to live to 100!

Goals are important because they give us a direction to head.

But I think that sometimes we set goals from a place of increasing future happiness because our life is somehow lacking right now.

The point of having goals is not so we can achieve them and be happier than we are today. The reason to have goals is because our purpose on this planet is to evolve to be the best person we can. And there is something about the rebirth and renewal of spring that brings forth big thoughts.

Maybe it’s the metaphor that we have to bloom in a bigger way.

Why Goals?

I already said that goals give us a direction to head. What I didn’t tell you is why this is so important.

Our brains like to work on auto-pilot, thinking thoughts that it has thought in the past. The thoughts may not serve us, may even hurt us. Or even keep us going in a direction that is not healthy. Our brain will consciously seek out information that proves that thought was accurate and we should keep thinking it.

A goal gives our brain something else, something very positive to seek out instead.

I truly believe that you can predict where your life is going by telling your brain what to think about.

You are going to create results regardless, so you might as well create the results you want!

So how do we do this?

Macro Goal Setting Process

First We Have to Dream

A lot of people don’t dare to dream because they are too busy putting out the day-to-day fires to plan the results they want to create.

But a darker reason is that they have dreamed in the past from that space of something is lacking in their life right now.

The gap between “what I want and what I currently have” brings up a lot of negative emotions, even pain. And who wants that?!?

So we need to conquer that. Here’s how.

Make a list of 25 things that you want.

I would lay money on the fact that everything you put on that list is something that you do not have. Over and over again, my clients come to me with a list of things they currently don’t have.

And I send them back.

I tell them that I want every other thing on that list to be something that they want, that they already have!

Why? Because we need to start thinking of wanting from a place of abundance.

Trick your brain by making a “want” sandwich. Squish a want-but-don’t-have in between two want-and already-haves. For example, I can say “I want a house in the country, to conduct a public workshop and my own business.”

Now the goal of conducting a public workshop doesn’t bring up all the feelings of lack because the brain knows I have the other two already wrapped up.

Goal: Getting Specific

Now is the time to put some meat on the bones of your dream.

Make it first person and as specific as you can. Dates, timelines, who, what, where, when – in fact, everything but the how. The more specific the better.

My goal may look like ” I want to conduct a Situational Leadership workshop on 26-27 September at the Columbia Center in Troy, MI”.

And once it’s specific, WRITE IT DOWN!

There’s crazy research about why to write it down, but the one I like best is because you can read it every day.

Reading it every day is good and I encourage you to do that. But it does come with a warning.

The minute you start “making it real” (particularly if you’re stretching out of your comfort zone) fear, doubt and shame will surface.

This is normal and expected because you are asking your brain to stop thinking its’ efficient thoughts of the past and start thinking new, as-yet-inefficient thoughts. Your brain will not like this.

It’s not what you get from achieving the goal, it’s who you become.

For help in getting through this hard but necessary part of goal setting, see my post The Brain-Result Connection.

The Action Plan for the Goal

Once you have your specific goal written down and you’ve worked through all the negative emotions that came up just thinking about it, it’s time to put yourself into the future as someone who has already accomplished that goal.

From that place, you can develop an action plan. I like to mindmap the steps so I don’t get constrained by trying to think of everything in the proper order. Get steps down and organize them logically later.

If you don’t know how to do something, make that a step “learn to do X”. As Marie Forleo says, “Everything is figure outable!”

In Conclusion

There is nothing that you genuinely want that you can’t have. What you want is really important information. In fact, I think what you want is the GPS direction to the life that you’re meant to have for your very best self.

I invite you to dream as we enter the season of renewal. I invite you to be really specific and write it down. Allow the fear, shame and doubt to come up. Write down the thoughts that come up that are obstacles in your way of achieving your goal, and take all of those thoughts and put them on the side burner while you go to the place where that goal is already achieved. Then break it down into an action plan, and then pimp out that action plan by taking actions.

This is how we each evolve to be the best person we can be.

Leaving you with this from the lighter side: I’m really, not into spring cleaning. Come to think of it, I’m not into summer, fall or winter cleaning either!

We all have a manual for pretty much everybody we meet.

What I mean is that we all expect certain people to behave in certain ways. We’ve “written” an operations manual for them.

From the waiter who should be friendly, courteous, knowledgeable, and fast to our coworker who should be quiet, organized, dependable and efficient.

The problem is that rarely does someone live up to the manual we have for them.

And if that manual is for someone close to you like a spouse or your boss – it’s usually a BIG manual!

Why Manuals Are Not Good

A manual is basically an instruction book that we’ve written for somebody else. We tie our emotional life to whether or not they follow it. Even though it may seem very justified to have expectations of other people, it is also quite frustrating for to do so. We have these belief systems that if other people would just behave the way that we would like them to, then we could be happy.

The problem is we don’t even realize that we’re doing this. We think that we have reasonable expectations of people in our life and that they should behave in a way that is reasonable. But what we think is reasonable and what other people think is reasonable is often really different!

It is really important to remember that adults have the ability and freedom to behave however they would like. That includes you.

You’ll make yourself crazy trying to change other people’s behavior to make yourself feel better. My last post on blame talked about that specifically.

But if it’s natural to have expectations of people, how do we break the emotional tie we have to our manuals?

What To Do About Your Manuals

Think about those requests that you have of a person in your life. Try and write down things you think it would be awesome if this person would do.

Then take the time to imagine what you would feel if they voluntarily did all these things.

What would you be thinking?

Remember all of your feelings come from your thinking. What would you be thinking if this person behaved in this way that you want them to behave?

Do you have that thought available to you now?

Can you think that about this person without them having to do all those things? If the answer is yes, you scored. You don’t have to go around changing other people in order to feel better.

What you can do is feel better on your own accord. You can decide that I’m not going to make my life about what I believe I’m entitled to from other people and their behavior.

In fact, I’m going to start believing that I’m not entitled to have anyone behave any other way than the way they behave. The only thing I’m entitled to is taking care of my own emotional life and my own brain to make sure I’m thinking thoughts that serve me.

In Conclusion

Take some time to consider this idea.

Are you willing to give up your manuals?

Are you willing to let go of your expectations that are based on what you want in your life?

Can you focus all that time and energy on yourself and creating the best life that you can, for yourself? One that isn’t dependent on anyone else’s behavior? A life that, in fact, is only enhanced by being around people who genuinely are only doing things they want to do?

I think you can.

Leaving you with this from the lighter side: It’s OK if you disagree with me. I can’t force you to be right.

The blame game is prevalent in our society. To make our lives easier, we have to learn how to break the cycle.

Blame: To assign responsibility for a fault or wrong

Merriam-Webster

I’m not talking about assigning responsibility for actions. That kind of blame is assigning responsibility for THEIR actions and is appropriate.

I’m talking about when we take the fact that someone did something and blame how we feel on that person. Or blame how we acted on that person.

This is absolutely not true! We can’t give that kind of power over us away to anyone!

Let’s say Suzy said she would make some charts for me and when she sends them, they are full of errors. I get irritated and snap at her.

The responsibility of error-filled charts is on her; that’s the fact. But I have to own how that made me feel and how that made me act.

If I don’t, I put the power to make me feel better in her hands. Why on earth would I want to do that?!? This person who just irritated me now has to make me feel better? What’s the likelihood of that happening?

I have to own my thinking, which causes my feeling, which causes my actions, which give me my results. Yes, this is exactly the model I wrote about last week.

I gave Suzy the power to put me in a bad mood. My mistake. But I can fix it.

Blame: How to Break the Cycle

We are always responsible for our thoughts, feelings and actions – always.

This is the most empowering thing you can ever learn.

It means we don’t have to change someone’s behavior to change how we feel.

And it means we don’t have to change OUR behavior in a misguided attempt to change how others feel.

Here are the questions you need to answer to define your blame cycle:

1. Who is someone who has caused you stress?
2. What actions did they take (or not take) that caused the stress?
3. What thought did you have about their action/inaction? Be super clear!
4. How did this make you feel?
5. What actions did you take as a result of your thought/feeling combo?
6. What result did you get and does that serve you over time?

OK. Now we have to break the blame cycle:

1. Reflect on the person and their action/inaction (same as 1 & 2 above)
2. What result do you want to have with them?
3. What actions do you have to take to get those results? You can list many
4. What thought/feeling combo do you need to generate in order to take those actions?

The Suzy Example

Let’s walk through my example from above.

1. Suzy caused me stress
2. Because she sent me error-filled charts
3. I thought “It’s faster for me to do them myself then check her work!”
4. I was annoyed
5. “Check your work before you send it to me! I spent 20 minutes checking them and found errors on 4 out of 5 of them” in a curt tone
6. Suzy doesn’t volunteer to create charts for me anymore which does not serve me over time.

This is a true example, so here’s how I change my thinking

1. The fact is Suzy sent me error-filled charts
2. The result I want is for Suzy to continue to volunteer to help and send me accurate charts every time.
3. mark::Actions include: mark up these charts and have Suzy correct them. Let Suzy know that I want all the names on the chart, in the correct groups and spelled correctly. Let her know that if she doesn’t have the time to do accurate work, she needs to tell me so neither of us wastes time we don’t have. Talk to her in a friendly but direct manner.
4. In order to take the actions in 3, I need to think that Suzy didn’t do this on purpose and that she’s busy. I also need to feel calm to have the conversation.

Blame: In Conclusion

It’s a powerful shift in thinking, to realize that you are in control of your thoughts and your feelings. Particularly when it comes to blame.

This works in every aspect of your life. Annoyed with your teenager for breaking curfew? Irritated with your coworker who takes conference calls on speaker phone? Despise that guy who interrupts your every sentence?

The tips here work.

So who are you going to stop blaming today?

For an excellent podcast around the difference between responsibility and blame, click here. For another podcast on blame and how to break the cycle, click here.

Leaving you with this from the lighter side: Teamwork. A word that means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The Brain-Result connection is the fancy name for a new coaching framework I use with my clients. It works really well, so I want to share it with you today. For a free worksheet of the framework, click here.

This framework is based on the work of Brooke Castillo, a professional life coach and all-around amazing lady. She just calls it The Model, but I affectionately like to think of it as How Your Brain Works For Dummies. Since that didn’t seem “professional” enough, I dubbed it the Brain-Result Connection Framework.

The framework works so well because it has three major things going for it.

• Simplicity
• Applicability to anything going on in your life
• It’s useful for coaching yourself

Why do you care about that last bullet point? Because girlfriends and wine are (generally) unavailable during the workday. Partners want to problem solve, not listen to you vent. And having a coach on 24/7 retainer is cost prohibitive. So a tool to coach yourself through something is invaluable!

On to the framework!

The Brain-Result Connection Framework

The framework starts out with a fact. The typical path is that you see something or hear something. Your brain is constantly scanning for “things” and only a tiny portion of those get processed consciously. So the fact that comes in is something your brain picks up on and says “hey, pay attention here!” It’s important to note that facts are neutral at this point.

That fact is sent to another part of the brain that associates a thought with it. Those thoughts are extremely powerful! And the amazing part is that the thoughts are usually on auto-pilot! The thoughts you think come from a wide variety of sources and psychologists love to dig into that aspect of mental health. For now, if you’ve heard the terms paradigms, scripting, limiting beliefs or mindsets, that’s what I’m talking about.

But your brain, while sending a neutral fact to be processed, passes that fact through your limbic system, which attaches an emotion to that fact. Think of it like a piece of chocolate getting a candy coating to become an M&M!

It is the combination of thoughts and feelings that make us take action, or prevent us from taking action.

And, of course, it is our actions, or lack thereof, that give us the results we get in our lives.

So the brain does the scanning, thinking and assigning emotions (mostly on automatic) and we take actions that lead to our results.

Voila! The Brain-Result Connection!

The Importance of the Framework

A legitimate question is “so what, why do I care?”

You care because you can use this simple framework to train your brain to:

• Scan for “better” facts
• Think more useful thoughts
• Assign more appropriate emotions

If you can get a handle on the brain part of the framework, the actions that follow will give you better results in your life.

And there’s another beautiful thing about this framework. You can hop into it at any point! Using the handy-dandy worksheet (click here), you can move up or down through the framework!

Brain-Result Examples

If you haven’t printed out the framework from the free handout yet, now would be a great time. A picture truly is worth a thousand words in this case!

In all the following examples, you work for a guy named Bob.

Start with a Feeling

Let’s say you don’t like your boss Bob very much. “Dislike” goes in the feeling box.

Want to figure out why? Work “up” the model. What do I think about Bob?

“Well, for one thing, he’s rude to me.”

What is the neutral fact behind that?

“I said “Good Morning” to him 5 days this week and he responded 0 times.”

Hmmm. Let’s start to retrain the brain.

Same fact: “I said “Good Morning” to him 5 days this week and he responded 0 times.”

What’s a more productive thought?

“It’s funny how some people are NOT morning people!” or “I’m so glad I’m a morning person since we have to be here so early!”

Feeling: “amusement” or “relief”

Want to bet which thought will lead to better actions and results that day?

Start with a Thought

You find yourself thinking “I have a gazillion things to do today!” So that goes in the thought box.

What neutral fact caused you to think that?

This is where you literally could put “I have a to-do list with 28 things on it” and list them. No exaggeration allowed in the fact box! Notice the word gazillion was in the thought box.

How does the thought make you feel?

“Overwhelmed” goes in the feeling box.

When you are overwhelmed by a gazillion things, what do you do or not do?

In the actions box, you can list as many things as you want. For this example, you list:

• Spin from task to task, rarely completing one before starting another
• Pick the easy ones instead of the important tasks
• Make myself feel better by snacking constantly
• Do sloppy work to get through as many tasks as possible
• …you get the point

Result: I finish 21 easy tasks but make no progress on the 2 important ones so Bob yells at me.

Notice the thought and overwhelmed feeling led to the results you got. Remember – it’s the brain-result connections.

Want to turn this frequent thought around? Start with the same fact. “I have a to-do list with 28 things on it.”

What do you want to feel? Let’s say “purposeful”

What thought do you have to think to feel purposeful? How about “I better prioritize these in order of importance.”

Now your actions are:

• Tackle the most important tasks first
• Don’t start another until I finish the last
• Put my Do Not Disturb sign up and my headphones on

Results: “Finished 20 tasks and Bob is happy I got X and Y done.”

Start with a Result

Result: “Bob game me negative feedback on my last report”

Actions that led to that result based on the feedback

• I had two typos so I relied on spell check too heavily. Who knew that if the misspelling is a real word, it wouldn’t find it?
• The data I received from accounting was inaccurate and I didn’t give it the “common sense” test

Now you know how to prevent those results again.

You could also use that result as the fact in the framework.

Fact: “I got negative feedback on my last report”

If you go with a negative thought such as “Dang it, Accounting is supposed to give me accurate data!”, you will feel “abused” or “victimized”.

What actions come out of those emotions? Will those actions get you the results you want? Not likely.

However, if you go with a positive thought like “Well, the feedback is accurate”, your emotion might be “determined” and your actions might be:

• Talk to Dana in accounting about their data
• Have Susie read my report for typos before sending

See how the results will be so much better?

Brain-Result Connection Tips

The Fact Box

Be sure to only put a neutral fact in this box. Very often we confuse our thoughts with the actual facts.

I had a client the other day who was convinced the fact was “I never finish projects.”

It took a lot of work just to get her to realize that the fact was “I didn’t finish the X project or the Y project.” Her thought around that was that she never finishes project, her emotion was resignation and her actions became a self-fulfilling prophecy of the result “I didn’t finish the Z project either.”

Also, keep to one fact at a time. We are trying to clean up our thinking, so it is important to analyze the details, one fact, thought, and emotion at a time.

The Thought Box

This box is even harder to keep to one thought because our brains are VERY good at throwing a lot of thoughts around, one right after the other.

Pick them apart, because different thoughts cause different emotions.

So only one thought in this box.

Another tip for this box is to NOT put a question in it. If you think of a question, either turn that into a statement or answer the question.

For example, instead of putting “Why is Kathy so hard to get along with?”, fill in the box with either “Kathy is hard to get along with” or “Kathy gives off very negative vibes.”

The Feeling Box

Same thing here; only one feeling in the box. If the one thought brings up more than one emotion, work through the framework a number of times. Different emotions will cause different actions on your part.

Also, try to use appropriate words for your emotions that capture the intensity as well. The difference between miffed, irritation, annoyance, angry and pissed can be subtle.

The Actions Box

Here’s the first box where you can put in as many things as you want. The only tip here is to be sure to include what you are NOT doing as a result of your emotion, as well as what you ARE doing.

The Results Box

Honestly answer the question, what result am I getting? If you filled out the framework with genuine reflection, then the result will always tie back to what you wrote in the Thought Box.

In Conclusion

The Brain-Result Connection Framework is extremely powerful. Like most revolutionary things, it’s simple, but not easy. The devil is always in the details.

As I move towards articles on how to make leadership easier, I will be using the brain-result framework often.

In the meantime, download the worksheet with the framework on it and get to work figuring out how to get the results you want!

Leaving you with this from the lighter side: It may look like I’m doing nothing, but in my head I am quite busy!